Friday, April 26, 2013

Mandarin Orange









Top: Loft (similar); Skirt: Target; Shoes: Franco Sarto via TJ Maxx (similar); Jacket: Limited (similar)

People are so carefree in pictures. Isn't that weird? It's rare that a photo of yourself (especially one you're sharing with others) captures guilt, anger, sadness, pain, or anxiety. Maybe that's why photo essays about sad subjects and mug shots of celebrities are so jarring - we don't expect emotion like that to be captured on camera. As a blogger it seems particularly true - if you're out taking photos of yourself, you're likely looking your best regardless of what's going on around you, or inside you. This always resonates when there are national crises, we all stop posting for a day or two. It seems odd to be smiling when there's not much to be smiling about.

I'm feeling that way tonight as I write this blog post, that the images represented above don't really feel genuine. It's not all golden-hour photo-shoots in my world right now; I've been feeling anxious lately. Anxious for me is a bad word. It doesn't mean being worried about a big test or getting nervous about getting a good grade. It's more of an "on no, not you again" visitation from someone I don't want to see. I've always envisioned anxiety as a massive cloud of black flies that cover and eventually smother the sun. I don't know if that vision is going to resonate with any of you, unless you know my friend anxiety.

I've been anxious since, oh, I was a baby. I used to throw up because I was too excited at family gatherings. I once almost blacked out because a spider bit me.  I never liked going too far from home, away from my parents where everything was guaranteed to be safe. And then I went off to college, had an absolute blast until I wasn't having a blast anymore. It didn't take too many sleepless nights and evenings where my heart pounded so hard I thought I was dying before I googled my symptoms and identified my anxiety disorder (not a heart-attack or non-Hodgkin's lymphoma, as it turned out). Part of me feels like anxiety disorders are a dime a dozen among my generation, but somehow it doesn't make them feel any better and only slightly more manageable. It didn't help that I had friends that were suffering from the same feelings of crippling fear, because you suffer your fears alone, in your head, where monsters run wild and can gobble you up.

So I've been anxious lately, battling the crew of "what ifs" in my head. There are a bunch of life transitions coming up soon, things that take me out of my comfort zone (a rigidly designed zone made of soft cheeses, blankets, and the movie You've Got Mail). I'm attempting to embrace them with open arms (ha!), but thought it might be worth it to let you all know that these pictures are a teensy bit of a lie today. I'm feeling less like a glowing orange peel in the Spring sunshine than a twitchy bat hanging in a dingy cave on Planet Earth.

39 comments

  1. Such a beautiful set!

    _
    bloo90fashion.com

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  2. Gorgeous blouse and skirt ! Have a nice weekend, lovely



    XX Luba

    Featuring a look perfect for business meeting

    http://very-well-living.blogspot.com

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  3. love your skirt..

    http://bayuradith.blogspot.com

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  4. Kelsey, been anxious of something or someone is one of the worst emotions we can feel. I do hope you speak to someone close to you about it and hopefully they can help ease it for you. You are right, although they say a photo speaks a thousand words, I would'nt have know you were feeling like that through your photos.

    On the outfit note: I'm begining to envy your wardrobe girl. Love the orange with the leopard print. Bold look. I like.

    xoxo
    Ivy
    http://ivyslittlecorner.blogspot.co.uk/

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  5. This pop of orange looks incredibly good on you <3

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  6. Love this look!

    xo, Nina
    afterthe40barfinish.blogspot.com

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  7. Thank you for sharing this! It's such a common situation that I think is unfortunately still somewhat taboo since it isn't something outwardly physical.
    xx
    http://thescreensiren.com

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  8. I have the cardigan version of that skirt (if that makes sense?)- love how you paired it with a bright top!

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  9. Gorgeous! Love that bright orange top! :) Sorry to hear that you are suffering from anxiety - I know the feeling all too well, and it isn't a good one. I hope you feel more at ease soon!

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  10. I wish we could go and have coffee. I swear that the reason I am so sick right now is because of the anxiety I am having is not only about the semester right now but also in 6 months. The hardest part of it for me is relaying it to people without making it sound like I am making it all up. Or I am a crazy woman.

    I guess I say all of this to say that I GET what you are saying. I completely get it.

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  11. I love how you paired orange and brown and it still reminds me of springtime!

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  12. Gorgeous photos and that orange top is stunning! x, Kat

    Love and Ace

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  13. Hello! very nice blog!
    would you like to follow each other gfc blogloving?
    flw me and tell about this!
    http://mooreann.blogspot.com/
    A

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  14. I've never really personally had issues with anxiety, but I do have the same sort of issues with depression. I find it always helps to just talk it out with someone you love! I hope you feel better soon. Your outfit is lovely, I love the orange and animal print combo.
    Nicole
    www.younglovestyle.blogspot.com

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  15. So well written, I am sure that this will resonate with so many people. It is hard to always put on a happy face, you should be proud for your honestly in this post.
    Hope things get clearer for you.

    Pia
    pjmscloset.blogspot.ca

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  16. Love the pencil skirt :)

    Warm regards

    Charlotte

    http://charlottegoyvaerts.blogspot.com

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  17. Sending you love today! This is such a great post - I admire you for writing it!

    I need this skirt in my life!

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  18. totally hear ya... feeling the same quite often. on an update note, you do look totally gorgeous here with the orange and leopard!

    alyson
    www.theaveragegirlsguide.com

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  19. Cute look! I love the color and cut of that top.
    xo

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  20. As a school psychologist, I work with kids (and parents!) quite often who have significant doses of anxiety. For some, they have learned to recognize the signs and prepare/process it. For others, it can be debilitating. It sounds as if you are the former and aren't afraid to experience your anxiety...but I imagine that it is extremely difficult. I love your honesty girl... Sending you a big hug from Denver!
    xo - Marion

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  21. Love your style!!!
    I checked out your blog completely and I Love your blog! Please check out my website and leave me a comment in the comment section.
    http://livingforsoul.com

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  22. This is so true, bloggers (women as a whole) conceal our emotions and try to distract ourselves from the world outside.

    I think everyone feels like this at times, some of us more often then others :)

    Stay strong sista!

    XOx- Simply Sabrina

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  23. What you wrote is totally true of me too. I guess just in every photo we want to look perfect and super fun and happy, when inside we are stressed, anxious, sad, ect. Ugh I totally know how you feel! Lately I've been stressed out of my mind. I feel like I can't keep up with anything!! School, work, blog, boy friend, blah, blah, blah....there is just so much to do all the time!!

    Just know you're not alone :) You can email me to chat anytime!

    Hope you can come stop by my blog sometime :) Maybe become blogging friends?

    xo
    Emily
    The Rancher's Daughter

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  24. Love that orange hue with the printed skirt!

    www.rougefox.com

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  25. I adore your skirt! Pencil skirt screams sexy and I love that you pair it with orange. Great look!

    Kisses
    Bex

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  26. Honey, I've been there. Stress and anxiety is like my middle name but I realise that life is too short and I shouldnt take life to seriously! Reading quotes and doing pilates has helped me a lot so consider it at some point..And I agree about the photos, none can be happy all the time, so its ok if you dont smile all the time!
    xo
    Anastasia
    http://natbeesfashion.blogspot.com

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  27. So pretty!

    xo Jennifer

    http://seekingstyeblog.wordpress.com

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  28. Loving the orange with the leopard!

    Tiff Ima
    Style Honestly

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  29. You wear orange so well! I love the shoes you chose too, and pairing it with leopard. Love your style! And loove the design of your blog! :) Happy Weekend, and i'm your newest GFC follower!
    XO
    Rory
    www.WearAboutsBlog.com

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  30. Great combo! The leopard and orange look amazing together!

    www.kacieskloset.blogspot.com
    www.daisyraeboutique.com

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  31. You have such pretty freckles :) Love the bright orange, I've been crushing on orange lately I need some more in my closet.
    Jessi
    haircutandgeneralattitude.blogspot.com

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  32. I don't think your pictures are a bit of a lie. It's like the saying you need to fake it before you make it. Sometimes when things are not going the way you want, just making yourself smile and taking it one day at a time can help it become real.

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  33. Love the leopard and orange... It's a great color for you!
    Hope
    hchdesigns.blogspot.com

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