I had a rough last week and weekend combined. This morning, I woke up early and lay there hoping for a bright Monday - less stained by anxiety. When your issues exist in and are created by your own brain, they're really difficult to get away from, and anxiety can feel like being trapped in a terrible room from which you can't escape.
I've mentioned it before on the blog, but my anxiety well overflows when I have multiple obligations that create stress. One obligation and I am able to feel anxiety for that one item and work myself down from it. Two items and my limits are tested. Three (or two big things) and that (apparently tiny) well starts to flood. All the sudden there are no issues, just one, massive, tangled anxious feeling that I can't seem to get to the core of. And so it starts the panic attacks, or constant tears, or irrational fear, or sleeplessness, or all of that combined. And a few days in, I'm rendered rather useless to: eat, do things other than shower and lay down, complete projects, or have a positive outlook. They always say that depression and anxiety come hand in hand, two unwelcome friends to the party of your life, and though I seem to be relatively unscathed by the former affliction, I can absolutely see how this can wear you down and make you feel helpless and defeated.
By yesterday afternoon, after about four days of stomach-aching, instant tears, and hyperventilating, I told myself to get a grip. There was work to do, a kitchen to clean, a blog to maintain, and a life to live. Not only are there regular, everyday things to deal with through the anxiety, we introduced a new kitten into our resident cat's household last week and I have to make the interaction between young and old, resident and intruder work. It's not easy. And anxiety-inducing for me. Monitoring two cats for your entire day, worried one will smack the other upside the head, is no way to spend a weekend. But it's necessary. And actually, it's normal. It's something that has to be done and though anxiety might be barring me from handling it like a normal person, it's a real experience that I need to go through.
When I start to emerge from an anxious haze, I can see the bizarre-ness of anxiety. How it wraps you up in a really terrible cloak of doom. How none of your thoughts are remotely rational, but they're totally controlling. Living with it is like accepting a really mean person into your home and then letting them be rude to you for days on end before you finally tell them to shut up. Note to self: kick that person out sooner.